As I lay in bed in the early morning hours, breastfeeding and looking at the clock, I thought, “Time is running away from me.” This thought hit me in the chest and took my breath away for a moment. As I came back to reality, I had to remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be at this time and moment.
But have you ever thought to yourself: “Well, I have 40 years to get it together… then 30… then 20…”
OH MY, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!
Time flies, especially when you’re a mom with busy kids.
By the way, I did the math: my daughter will be 30 when I’m 60. I think I kind of lost it.
Motherhood has completely warped my sense of time. What felt like an eternity in my 20s now feels like 20 seconds. I’m left with thoughts like, “Am I doing my best?” or “Am I pouring my all into making them successful, empathetic human beings?”
My decision to become a SAHM came from the fear of losing out on the very time I speak of. I was afraid of missing their most important milestones, afraid of what would happen if I came home in one of my horrible moods after dealing with child-like co-workers. It didn’t feel fair to them.
Of course, staying home comes with its own challenges, like layoffs (my husband experienced two) and sticking to a strict budget. But in the end, where we are right now, we’re content and happy.
Thinking about time doesn’t mean life is over; it just means I should pause, breathe, and reflect. Reflect on everything I’ve done over the years, and pause on all the things I was too scared to try. Why was I scared? Who was I trying to impress or prove something to?
One thing that stands out, as someone who will be almost 60 in 20 years and has two kids, is this: I don’t need to prove anything to anyone but my immediate family. WHAT AN AMAZING WAY TO FEEL! Especially after so many years of anxiety, trying to keep friends and family around while not fully being my true self.
Now, this feeling of freedom, freedom from being burdened by expectations and anxiety, can sometimes mean losing friends and loved ones. When you realize your priorities, some behaviors you once tolerated no longer feel acceptable. That doesn’t mean you drop them and never speak again; it just means you keep them at a distance if they’re not bringing happiness or fulfillment to your life. And that is OKAY!
As I reflect on who I was in my 20s, I had no idea how far I would come in life, that I’d have a beautiful family and be able to spend every waking moment with my kids. Even when I hit a six-figure income, I doubted myself every day.
Imposter syndrome is a beast! But here I am. I overcame it. I stepped into myself (with a lot of therapy) and accepted who I am as a person.
As I move forward in my years, I want to accomplish more for my family, because what is this life for, anyway? Financial freedom by starting a business, diving deeper into my hobbies, and traveling will help us reach that sense of contentment and happiness we’re all searching for.
Some days feel endless. Some years fly by. But that simple math sparked a powerful realization:
I’m not running out of time; I’m learning how to use it better.
What do you want time to look like for you? Are you spending your years doing what you love?
