But did I ever have those “friends” in the first place?
When you stop pleasing everyone, and things don’t go their way, they disappear. So no, I didn’t.
This past weekend, a long-time childhood friend stood me up. We were supposed to go to happy hour to chat about life and just see each other. When the day came, and I didn’t hear from her, I wasn’t surprised. This wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t the third time. It was the fifth or sixth time this happened. And the crazy thing is, she reached out to me.
Every time she stood me up, I would shrug it off and not reach out. So why do I keep making plans with her when she contacts me?
People have their own issues. Some I can’t explain, and some are not excuses for treating people or friends poorly.
So what do I do? I give them passes. Surely if they reached out to me, they care, right?
I find myself people-pleasing my way back into their lives.
A few years ago, I read that people pleasing is a form of manipulation. “ME, A MANIPULATOR!!!”
I couldn’t believe it. I felt a certain way about this. I wanted nothing more than for people to be happy and like me. How is that manipulation?
The more I studied this topic, the more I realized I was manipulating people.
There is intentional and unintentional manipulation.
Intentional is having a hidden agenda to hurt someone, while unintentional is wanting people to like you, to feel safe, fear of rejection, and survival.
Honestly, if I had known people pleasing was a form of manipulation, I would have stopped a long time ago. No one wants to be called a manipulator.
I was pleasing others to get them to stay. To be my friend. To never feel lonely. And it was exhausting.
The people I “needed” to please drained my energy. I felt like there was a person trapped inside of me yelling, “Don’t give them what they want. Be yourself.” But still, I couldn’t do it.
When I Started People Pleasing
My need to people-please started in my childhood. I held back from being myself. I was in a family where most of my relatives were darker than me. I was told that I thought I was “all that” for being lighter, having longer hair, or for “talking” too properly.
For my survival, I learned to stay unseen and not talk about myself or my feelings. My parents did the best they could, but sometimes I felt slighted by one parent. I was often told that I was too needy.
Going through therapy has helped me immensely. I found out that I have anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Anxious attachment says, “Please stay close so you don’t leave me,” while avoidant attachment says, “I won’t get close, so they won’t hurt me.”
I didn’t think it was possible to have both, but I did this a lot.
My avoidant attachment says, “I met someone new, but I don’t want to initiate or text much because of the fear of rejection.”
The anxious attachment in me says, “I don’t want to lose you. Please stay close.” This is usually with long-time friends, family members, and people I have a long history with.
I would worry when I didn’t hear back when I texted them and if they acted weirdly around me, thinking I was the cause.
I’ve learned that my past has contributed to my people pleasing, but I can’t keep relying on it to make excuses.
I have to make a change on my own and understand that my past experiences do not define me today.
Ways I People Please
There are many ways I used to please people. (My apologies in advance for the multiple “I”s). See what I did there, I people pleased on a post that is mine. LOL
I always said yes when I was already overwhelmed
I over-explained my decisions so people would understand and approve
I changed how I acted and showed up differently depending on who I was around
I apologized for things that didn’t require an apology
I avoided hard conversations so I wouldn’t be seen as difficult
I let things slide that actually bothered me
I prioritized everyone else’s comfort over my own
I did things I didn’t agree with just to keep the peace
I felt responsible for other people’s emotions
I second-guessed myself after making decisions
I didn’t set boundaries because I didn’t want to seem selfish
I kept my real thoughts to myself to avoid conflict
Looking back, I wasn’t living kindly. I was living in fear. I slowly stopped choosing myself.
What Changed Me
Honestly, having kids and getting older changed the way I view my life and how I treat others. I no longer put others over my family or myself, and that is why I’ve lost friends.
I led people to believe that they were more important than my well-being, and for this, I take full responsibility. I should have been upfront about my boundaries in relationships. People would have respected me more and not cared if I pushed back.
The pandemic also made the world feel different. No, it DID make the world different.
Many people became isolated and stopped reaching out.
And let’s not get started on THE social media. The mood has become: why would people feel the need to reach out when you can just see their updates?
I don’t know what it was, but I felt a sense of weirdness. A “look at me” feeling when I posted. I wanted people to feel more important than just a Facebook update, so I reached out more through texts and phone calls.
Reaching out included sending friends a happy birthday message. If I missed one, I added it to my calendar to make sure I didn’t miss it the next year.
People rely on Facebook for birthdays, but I didn’t have mine on my page. I can count on one hand the number of people who texted me. I never texted many of those “friends” again.
I also found people leaning on me to dump their trauma, but wouldn’t allow me to do the same when I was in a rut. I would text to say “I would love to talk or catch up”. I either never heard back from them or was put on their back burner.
The series of layoffs we’ve had over the years has been an eye-opener.
We didn’t feel supported by the people we had helped and supported in the past.
There were many people we helped with resumes and more who were struggling to find work. After we helped, they found positions.
We thought this would come back to us if we ever hit hard times, and it hasn’t. This has made my family feel so low.
More often, the people who weren’t very close to us were the ones who helped the most.
People also look at us and think, “Oh, they’ve got this,” so they don’t offer help. Others may feel like they can’t help or don’t know where to start.
Although this makes us feel like crap, we would never allow any of our friends and family to struggle. We would jump in and help any way we can.
We forgive, but we never forget.
What Life Looks Like Now
Life is peaceful now. I don’t feel anxious.
Anxious that I haven’t heard back. Anxious that I did something I don’t know about. Anxious about not being myself.
I’m not cordial with people who have hurt me multiple times. People I have forgiven in the past, but who still find ways to hurt me.
I often think of the people who don’t find ways to reach out, and I still love them.
I feel at peace.
If someone wants to be in my life, they will make time for it. It really is that simple.
I share my experience, not for sympathy, not to vent, but to let others know that it is okay to let it all go. The peace you feel after is nothing but great.
Are you a people pleaser? If so, how does it affect your life? Do you wish you didn’t care as much?
